Chapter 8: Leaps, Liars, Cats & Conclusions (JB)

“I’m so sorry,” I told Nancy, my face a dark beet red. “My friend, I don’t think he took his medication today. Let me help you clean up.” I bent over and started to pick up the spent staples and bits of paper from the floor. As I did so, Lizzy went over and plucked a tissue from the large pile on the desk, offering it to the sobbing woman in the kitten sweater. “I’m sorry you’re crying,” she said. “I like your sweater.”

I felt another level of flustered coming on. I was deeply embarrassed and now also trying super hard not to notice that Lizzy was both cute and sweet. I was trying to maintain my composure, focus on getting out of this place without the police being called. It was too early in the summer to get grounded for the rest of it.

Lizzy and I straightened up the desk as much as we could, but we didn’t know the woman’s organization system and, oh yeah, Jimmy really made an unfixable mess of it. “That’s the beauty of Oh is this yours?”", I remember him explaining, “You ruin everything a person has without doing any actual damage. That’s the difference between getting detention or not, being grounded or not. It’s what you can argue as being no big deal.” I sighed and bent over, eyeing another staple embedded in the rug that I had missed and bent to grab it. I wondered how much better my grades would be if I had the room in my brain for real facts and ideas and not just all of Jimmy’s nonsense.

“JB, please stop showing your butt to the whole world, we have important business to discuss.” I shot back up, my face a shade redder than I ever thought possible. I was going to really snap at Jimmy but then I noticed the behemoth of a man standing behind him, so I decided to keep my mouth shut. His name tag said Don, but he looked more like a Kong to me. “This one belong to you?” He had a hand firmly resting on Jimmy’s shoulder, whose face was a mixture of smugness and annoyance that was out of place for someone in such big trouble. As soon as Don released his grip, Jimmy darted back over to us and brushed off his shoulder, shooting a dirty look at Don as he did.

“Put your hands on me again and I’ll sue you for everything you have, you big ape. I’ll have your moms whole basement by the time I’m done with you.” Don took an angry step forward but Jimmy swiftly stepped back and placed himself behind myself and Lizzy. Nancy had composed herself by this time and placed a hand gently on Don’s arm. “Don’t worry about it,” she told him soothingly, “let’s just let the police deal with it. I’ll call them right now.” She lifted the telephone receiver.

My heart sank as the phone rose but, before I could begin to protest, Jimmy stepped forward and pointed an accusatory finger at the wrinkled face of Nancy. “The police? What are you going to tell them? That someone came to your animal shelter looking for an animal? Or that those people used some tape, tissues and staples? That doesn’t sound like a police matter to me, that sounds like a regular day that an Office Max run could fix. But hey, I suppose if you still wanted to call them, I could mention how your giant monkey goon put his hands on me and roughed me up. They might think that's interesting.”

Nancy paused. She lowered the phone slightly but didn’t set it down. “Don didn’t do anything more than grab your shoulder and lead you away from a restricted area.” She said the words, but she didn’t sound one hundred percent confident in them. If I could hear the hesitation in her voice, I knew Jimmy would notice and run with it. He did.

Jimmy perked up and asked, “Oh, this shoulder? The badly bruised one?” Lightning fast, Jimmy grabbed her novelty beach mug from the desk and began slamming it hard into his shoulder. He slugged himself four or five times in quick succession, crying out in pain with each impact. Confusion on the faces of Nancy and Don gave way to horror as Jimmy stopped and pulled down the collar of his shirt, revealing the fresh beginnings of a solid welt. “So what do you think the police will be more interested in? The fact that your papers are shuffled and your scotch tape is crumpled? Or the poor little pale boy who just wanted to find his cat and wound up bruised like a discounted peach at a grocery store. You decide, you're the adult.”

I could tell from the look on their faces that Jimmy had won this one. I sighed internally, feeling both grateful and greatly annoyed that his plan had actually worked out exactly like he said it would. Don grumbled angrily and stomped away, the echoes of his heavy gorilla footsteps followed him down the long hallway from which he had first appeared. After I gave another brief apology to Nancy, the three of us quickly made our way out of the shelter and back into bright daylight.

As we exited, my cheeks hurt. I realized that my jaw was clenched tighter than ever. I couldn’t believe how messy fifteen minutes of my life could get. Yet, the more days I spent with Jimmy, the more I saw how much insanity could happen every day and that you just have to ride it out. This seemed to be one of those days.

However, I decided that hitting Jimmy once would make me feel better. So I whirled on him and socked him right in the bruised shoulder. He let out a sharp cry, but it was more from surprise than from actual pain. At least I hoped so, I already felt a little bad about it. Still, I told him, “That’s what you get for putting us in that tough spot, Jimmy. Why can’t you ever just handle things normally?”

“What was abnormal about the way I handled that?”

“Everything!”

“How so? I told you the plan, I followed it even though you did not, and then I solved the case. Just as I always do.”

When questioned on how he solved the case, Jimmy told us that he saw Velcro through a small high window in the security door and that he could prove it once we were back at our secondary headquarters, just in case we were being tailed and our primary one could be compromised.

*****

After walking for about twenty minutes the three of us arrived at my house, which Jimmy referred to as our secondary HQ. Once inside, he said that he was ready to prove what he saw. However, the proof was not quite what I expected. Instead of him providing proof that he solved the case, Jimmy simply meant that he was going to prove that he could spot the cat while jumping really high. He had Lizzy hold a picture of the cat behind a big box while he jumped over and over and shouted out what details he could see with every glimpse. I was not impressed.

I tried using reason to diffuse the situation. “Why would they lie about the cat, Jimmy? The woman looked at the poster and said they didn’t have it. What would be her reason to lie to us about it?”

“Why do adults lie to kids all the time? Why do they tell us that Santa is real? Or the tooth fairy? Or that good things come to those that wait? Or why does your mom tell you that you’ll grow up to be handsome one day? I don’t know why adults lie, but they do it constantly and they seem to love it. I'm telling you, they were lying about the cat, JB. I guarantee it.”

I sighed. “But, why?” I wish I had a better response, a better follow-up. Jimmy just shrugged. “I don’t know. My best guess is that it’s some kind of sex thing.” It was at that moment that my dad decided to pop his head into the room and see what we were up to.

“Jimmy! What are you talking about?”

“Nothing Mr. B, I’m sorry. We were just joking around.”

My dad stroked his chin thoughtfully, his index finger making accidental contact with the thick bristles of his mustache, making them stick up in all directions like an electrified broom. His look was both comical and serious as he decided whether or not to ask us exactly what Jimmy was talking about a moment ago. With a shrug, he decided to let it go. “Alright,” he said. “Get washed up, it’s dinner time. Are you staying to eat with us Jimmy?”

Jimmy turned and fixed me with a hard stare. “No,” Jimmy said, jaw clenched tightly and jutting forward with finality. “I don’t have time for dinner. I live in a lonely desolate world where truth is my only companion and everyone else has turned their back on me. I only have time for action.” Jimmy performed a quick round of clumsy karate chops and then somersaulted to the door and disappeared through it.

A moment later, noticing someone else was in the room, someone new, my dad repeated the same question, unfazed. “How about you? Staying for dinner?”

My nervousness returned tenfold when Lizzy smiled and nodded yes.