Chapter 24: More notes from the office of Dr. Kim Dress

Transcribed word for word from audio recording. Third session, beginning of first tape. Notes added to show emphasis or mood where needed by Stephanie Rahl, BA of Stenography.

Dr. Kim Dress: Good to see you again, Jimmy. How are you feeling today?

Jimmy: Crisp as a dollar bill, doc.

Dr. Kim Dress: I’ve never heard that expression before. What does that mean?

Jimmy: I don’t know actually, I read it in a comic strip once. But the guy who said it seemed like he was doing alright.

Short silence.

Dr. Kim Dress: So Jimmy, do you often use words or phrases that you don’t understand?

Longer silence.

Dr. Kim Dress: Never mind, let’s change the subject. On Tuesday I spoke a little bit to Nancy, your partner down at the animal shelter. 

Jimmy: Yes, I’m well aware of who Nancy is.

Dr. Kim Dress: She told me that ever since you started volunteering there, adoptions have gone up over three hundred percent. That’s amazing, Jimmy.

Jimmy: (suspiciously) Thank you.

Dr. Kim Dress: Are you proud of that? Of your accomplishment?

Jimmy: Of course I am. Are you proud of this line of questioning? Asking if I’m happy when I accomplish something? Seems kind of superfluous.

Dr. Kim Dress: Superfluous? Do you know what that word means, Jimmy?

Jimmy: (angrily) Of course I do! It means you’re doing something not only fluously, but SUPER fluously. Anything else obvious that you’d like me to state?

Short silence.

Dr. Kim Dress: I don’t mean to upset you, Jimmy. I just wanted to talk about your work down at the shelter.

Jimmy: (suspiciously) Why?

Dr. Kim Dress: Because it’s amazing work that you’re doing. 

Short silence.

Jimmy: (flatly) Okay.

Dr. Kim Dress: Nancy mentioned something else to me too, some kind of a side project that you’re doing down there?

Jimmy: Which one?

Dr. Kim Dress: Well, how many are you doing?

Jimmy: Hmmm, let’s see. There’s the big game of Duck, Duck, Goose that I’m organizing with real ducks and geese. There’s Scooby Doobies, where I train dogs to sniff out who’s smoking pot at the park. Of course, that’s just an offshoot of my Sherlock Homes for Wayward Pets program. Then there’s - 

Dr. Kim Dress: That’s the one, the Sherlock Homes project. Why don’t you tell me a little bit about it?

Jimmy: Nancy can tell you a little about it. I’m going to tell you a lot about it.

Dr. Kim Dress: Actually we - 

Jimmy: For over sixty years the U.S. Navy has been training dolphins to stop underwater drones, conduct surveillance, and disarm mines scattered on the ocean floor. Then, a few years  ago, the Netherlands started using eagles to take down spy drones and monitor suspicious aircraft. 

Dr. Kim Dress: I don’t see how -

Jimmy: In Sai Buri, the police adopted a monkey named Santisuk, who relieves the tension at checkpoints and traffic stops using his hilarious and cute monkey antics. Then, we head north from there and we see that in Japan, an orphan street cat named Lemon, which is a stupid cat name, is used to stop mice in the office and also to comfort the victims of crime who come into the station. After that -

Dr. Kim Dress: (interrupting) Jimmy, I don’t see what a cat in Japan or a monkey in…

Jimmy: Sai Buri.

Dr. Kim Dress: Yes, Sai Buri, have anything to do with your program here in Villa Park.

Jimmy: (matter-of-factly) Of course you don’t. You keep interrupting me before I can make my point.

Dr. Kim Dress: I’m sorry, I don’t mean to -

Jimmy: (interrupting) It’s very rude to interrupt people.

Short silence.

Dr. Kim Dress: I didn’t -

Jimmy: Mean to interrupt me? You did, but I’ll go on anyway. The connection here, if you were patient enough to get to the end, is that those programs are very different than mine.

A sigh is heard, followed by a short silence.

Dr. Kim Dress: So the connection is that they are very different?

Jimmy: Exactly. Yet the same. You see, eagles have the sky, dolphins have the water. Dogs and cats and horses help out on land. BUT! Who is helping out here at home? Not in the air or water, but right here in our own homes? Who's protecting Villa Park? That’s where my program comes in.

Dr. Kim Dress: And how does it do that?

Jimmy: Finally! A good question! So, what my program does, is I make a list of all the best qualities that a pet can have. And then, I weigh that against a list of all the possible crimes that can be committed in your average home. Then, I weigh that against - 

Dr. Kim Dress: We are almost out of time, how about you give me the shortened version?

Another sigh is heard.

Jimmy: Interrupting again, but okay. So basically, when someone comes to adopt a pet, I size them up and match the pet to the potential crime that that person might commit.

Dr. Kim Dress: Can you give me an example of this?

Jimmy: Sure! So when a lady comes in who is obviously very lonely, I match her up with, say, a parrot. Because lonely people need someone to talk to. Then, if she ends up committing any crimes, she’ll confide in her only friend, the bird. With me so far?

Dr. Kim Dress: I suppose.

Jimmy: Good. So before I ready these animals for adoption, I train them to report to me. Like a sleeper cell but, you know, not bad or anything. So this parrot, if he or she ever hears a confession, they’ll fly back to me to repeat it, since parrots talk. You see? Then I can bring this information to my peers at the police station.

Dr. Kim Dress: So, your program is used to spy on the loving homes that take in these animals?

Jimmy: The BTK killer had a loving home, and we all know how that one ended up.

Another sigh is heard.

Dr. Kim Dress: I think that that may be an extreme example.

Jimmy: But a preventable one. If I was born earlier and established my program sooner, I could have stopped it with the simple placement of a bird, or a lizard, or a guinea pig.

Dr. Kim Dress: A guinea pig?

Jimmy: (loudly) Constable Elliot! A simple guinea pig from New Zealand - 

Dr. Kim Dress: I’m sorry to interrupt again, but I'm afraid we’re out of time.